How does an urge work and how do you let it pass?
The urge to watch porn feels, in the moment itself, as if you have to follow it. That is not so. Once you understand how an urge works, you can learn to sit it out. That skill is called urge surfing.
An urge works like a wave: it rises, becomes very strong and then falls away on its own, usually within five to twenty minutes. You do not have to fight it and you do not have to give in to it either. With urge surfing you let the wave pass: you notice the urge, stay calmly with your body and your breath, and wait for the peak to fall. The more often you practise this, the easier it becomes, and the weaker the urge grows over time.
Why an urge works like a wave
An urge does not arrive and then hang around forever. It has a shape: it builds up, reaches a peak and then ebbs away again. The problem is that most people give in right at the peak, and thereby teach their brain the lesson: when the tension gets high enough, you only get free by watching. That way the wave gets stronger each time. Urge surfing turns that around. You learn that you can sit out the peak, and that the wave always falls, even if you do nothing.
Why fighting does not work
You would think: just say no firmly and push the urge away. But what you give attention to grows. The harder you fight against the urge, the more you are occupied with it, and the bigger it feels. Urge surfing uses a gentler and more effective stance: you do not fight, you let the wave be there and watch it until it falls on its own. That costs less energy and works better.
You do not have to break the wave. You only have to keep floating on it until it falls.
Urge surfing, step by step
When the urge comes up, you do this:
- Notice the urge. Say calmly to yourself: there is a strong urge right now. You acknowledge it, instead of reacting to it straight away or pushing it away.
- Stay with your body. Feel where the tension sits, in your chest, your stomach, your hands. Look at it with curiosity, as if you are a surfer who feels the wave beneath them.
- Breathe calmly. Follow your breath, slowly in and out. You do not have to suppress anything and do not have to force anything. You are only waiting.
- Let the wave fall. Keep breathing and observing. The peak does not last long. Notice how the urge fades on its own, and how you get through it without giving in.
What makes it even easier
- Change your surroundings for a moment. Stand up, walk away from the spot where the wave began, open a window.
- Make giving in one step harder. Put your phone out of reach or use a blocker that shields the sites you choose yourself, so you have to cross an extra threshold.
- Remind yourself: this lasts a quarter of an hour, not an eternity. I only have to wait a moment now.
It is a skill, not a trick
The first few times urge surfing may feel awkward, and sometimes the wave will sweep you along anyway. That is normal. It is a skill you build, just like learning to cycle. Every time you let a wave pass, the next one becomes a little easier and the urge weaker over time. That fits with how your brain works; read about it in what porn does to your brain. And if it does not work out once, that is no disaster: see what do I do after a relapse.
Urge surfing comes from relapse prevention (Marlatt) and mindfulness-based treatments, and is one of the best-researched techniques for coping with urges. sune includes a guided urge tool that steers you through exactly these steps at the moment you need it.
The urge tool, always within reach
In the moment the urge hits, a calm voice that guides you through the wave is worth gold. sune has a guided urge tool that takes you through this breathing and observation, exactly when you need it. Fully anonymous, the first three days free.